Frank Loesser, Betty Hutton

This is the story of Hamlet,
William Shakespeare's most notable play,
A magnificent dignified work of art,
But for you, chum,
I guess I'm gonna tell it this way;
spoken: and this time, it's gonna be a little different!

Hamlet was the prince of a spot called Denmark
(they call it Elsinore),
There never was such a frantic man
Either before or since
(A great Dane! He was a dream boy!)
And like a hole in the head
Denmark needed this prince
(We've been stuck with him since!)

But then one night when the castle was dark and spooky
(boo boo boo boo)
There was a kooky camosh
(a ghost!) it was his father dear (His old Pat, it was his daddy)
He said "Son you're a sap, you're gettin' it in the rear"
spoken: What's a boy to do?

He bumped off his uncle
And he Mickey Finned his mother
And he drove his girl to suicide
And stabbed her big brother
'Cause he didn't want nobody else but himself should live,
(no, no one should live)
He was whatcha might call
(what?) Un-co-operative (un-co-operative!).

Now Hamlet had a lady friend named Ophelia
(and this'll kill ya!)
She was a cool put-together mouse that made men thrill.
But Hamlet, he thought, She was from Uglyville
(She was a real bow-wow!)

So he chopped down her father
Just to teach the girl a lesson.
Yes, he cut him up in slices
Like a pound of delicatessen.
'Cause murder was one thing
Hamlet sure did enjoy (sure did enjoy)
He was what should I say
Quite the mischievous boy
(quite the mischevious boy)

Hamlet! He's the lad who had a mom fixation,
Hamlet! He's the cat who wants to lead the nation,
Hamlet! He's a de??????,
You gotta watch your step when he's in his mood swing

Poor Ophelia, overcome with such grief and sorrow,
She went and flipped her lid,
She popped her cork,
She jumped the track.
Her analyst told her - and her intelligent mind
Developed a permanent crack.
[spoken] Things went black!

Ophelia had a six-and-a-half foot brother
(it was the fair haired Liertes)
He thought that Hamlet had been
A trifle too impolite
(You've got to treat a girl right!)
So in the third act, He challenged him to a fight.
What a night!

So it was dog eat dog eat dog in Denmark.
Yes, it was dog eat dog eat dog in Denmark.
Until the King and the Queen arrived on the scene,
It still might have been okay,
But when he started to chop, he just couldn't stop,
He kinda got swept away,
To kill or not to kill?
(to kill or not to kill)
Hamlet was quite the pill
It gave him such a thrill,
But who's left to read the will?

The name of this omelette
(the name of this omelette)
Is Hamlet!
You can call him Hamlet!
He's not worth a Damlet!
The serial killer!

Registered for copyright as an unpublished song July 1, 1949. Introduced by Betty Hutton and ensemble. Recorded by Betty Hutton (Capitol), Bibi Osterwald (Painted Smiles), and Debbie Shapiro Gravitte (Varese Sarabande). The above lyric was transcribed from Betty Hutton's recording for Capitol Records.